For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
