I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm always down for nudity.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
