Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
