I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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