Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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