I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
