I need to stop coming to work sober
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
