I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
