I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
