yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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