Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
sarcasm needs its own font
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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