On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize