You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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