just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
