You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
