My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
