he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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