you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
