9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He shit in the fireplace
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
