If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Randomize
