You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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