The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
