She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
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