we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
