What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize