I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
this beer tastes like vomit already
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
