stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I need to align my fucking chakras
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