I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
