She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Mom said you looked used
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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