she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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