saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
