My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
