I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Randomize
