I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
then he tried to convert me to islam
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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