We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm getting married
To pizza
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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