I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize