I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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