woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Send help, water and tortillas.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
