I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
