If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
