I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
