seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
