just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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