the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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