I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
