We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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