Need sex. Gaining weight.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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