I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
