I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
