I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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