Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Is it because I queefed?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
