its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
