Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
