New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
