What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
