A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
