You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
